Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Imperfectly Perfect

If you ask the question: "Can someone completely & fully recover from an eating disorder?" You would get a million and one responses. There are many many books out there claiming to answer that very question.
There are Psychologists, PhDs. MDs. and Therapists that have different theories. Well, today I publicly share my own theory - without any degree or book to my name.

Take or leave it 
(there's a million to choose from)

Disability: "A disability is a condition or function judged to be significantly impaired relative to the usual standard of an individual or group."

Mental illnesses (of all types) can "significantly impair" one's life.

Eating Disorders for example - consume more time and more energy than people would believe. They physically make you unable to function at your best. The intrusive thoughts take over.... impaired seems like an understatement at times.

So - in accepting my eating disorder as one of my biggest disabilities - one of my biggest challenges. I (like so many other people with disabilities) had to re-learn how to live.

*If a person becomes blind - they learn to use their other senses, they may get a service dog, they can learn to read by touch.
*If a person becomes deaf - they learn sign language, they get a hearing aid, use lighting & other signals.
* If a person loses the ability to walk, they get a wheel chair, they ask for support, they use ramps vs. stairs.

With an Eating Disorder it's no different.

* I have learned to use a meal plan & skills to relieve anxiety. I have treatment professionals to discuss stressors with. I take it easy when my emotions are high.

At the end of the day - it's about adaptation. We're all different. We all have different challenges, trials, disabilities, strengths, passions, and genetic make up. Life isn't necessarily about becoming "fixed" "recovered" or what that translated to in my eyes "perfect", it's about learning how to live your life the best way you can - the way that you are.

Will there ever be a point where I say: "I'm 100% recovered all-the-way"? Who knows - but what I can tell you that every day I practice more and learn more about how I personally best live my life - with the disabilities I have such as my eating disorder and bipolar disorder, and each day am astounded at just how beautiful the imperfections, the challenges we must over come, and the differences between us really are.

We're all imperfect, set out to learn and adapt to our challenges and disabilities.Is there ever an end to that process?

"Perfect" never comes. That much I know.


Citation: Disabled World News - Definition of disability including types of disabilities and the social model of disabilities: http://www.disabled-world.com/disability/types/#ixzz24ycKDOzK

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Hope

When trapped in darkness it's hard to see.
When swallowed by pain it's hard to hear.
When paralyzed by fear it's hard to believe in.

Hope.

On this journey to find wellness, recovery, and stability - my hope has at times increased, and then diminished.

Sometimes my hope  attaches to what others believe for me.
My hope rests in my faith in Jesus.
My hope is learned through past experiences, trials and temptations conquered.

In the midst of one of my darkest moments, fearful I won't make it to the other side - HOPE that the pain will  pass, and light will come again - keeps me breathing.

Hope.

Hold. On. Pain. Ends.

Pain will never end permanently. We all have our trials, our temptations, or difficulties in life - and some of my biggest ones take the shape of mental illness. I've felt much pain, and I will again. But Hope that despite that pain (and in some cases because of it) I have and will continue to grow and learn and love more - makes it even just the smallest bit easier.

Hope.

Photo

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Lessons along the way.

Running myself into the ground was (is) a trademark of mine.

I desired to be everything for everyone all the time. In the course of doing this I earned a spot at the top of my high school class, I was a very sought-after babysitter in the Roanoke Valley, I both took classes & assisted with classed at the dance studio. I was the Head Lifeguard at the lake where I worked & the co-founder of the swim club!

In my own eyes - my time was neither valuable or my own. I was created to do things (for others) and often times to earn my place.

When I got to college I made straight A's first semester - and attempted to find the areas around campus where I could again "earn my place". I learned though that nothing seemed to give me any sort of satisfaction anymore.

I'm very talented at morphing myself to be what others want me to be.

But eventually I had to ask -- What is that doing to me?

At what point is pleasing others more important than taking care of myself and doing what is best for me, my body, my mind, and my soul?

In this process of recovery that I've been on for nearing 10 months now - I've learned that in standing for recovery, in standing for hope, in standing for awareness --- I need to first stand for me, and all that I was created to be.

What once was "selfish" is now part of basic "self-care".

And it is my job to take care of me
and your job to take care of you

So that we may be the best, healthiest, truest people we were meant to be!

Monday, August 13, 2012

We All Need Inspiration

Days like today usually start like any other.

Wake up. Brush teeth. Eat Breakfast...... Sometimes a dark cloud hangs from the second my eyes open, other days I'm trucking along and out of nowhere I've hit a wall and am flung flat on my back.

No one ever told me recovery was going to be easy. No one ever told me it was going to be fun. I fact everyone said this (in some form or another): "It will be the hardest thing you will ever do... and absolutely worth it."

On hard days - pure grit and drive to recover are not always enough. On hard days It becomes ever so clear so I cannot do this alone.

Thank goodness I don't have to.

I have so much inspiration for my recovery.

First, I am inspired by the girls and guys I have met in the various treatment settings I've been in. I'm inspired by their courage to continue - and their willingness to support me (and others) when a hard day or situation creeps in. Those people understand me better than anyone here on this earth. It's almost like we speak a secret language: instantly calming, powerful, strong and heart-felt.
         My best friend Natalie and I make this deal "You pray for me and I'll pray for you." -- Those prayers are so comforting and always help me get through even the toughest days that seem to never end.
         A fellow Roanoke Dance Alumni, Lauren Gross & I talk each other down (sometimes through texting during the day) to deal with moments of anxiety, or bumps in the road - always reminding each other we're not alone.
       
Next, I am inspired by who I might become - just keep pushing, keep getting better, keep moving forward. I think about my family a lot in this regard - and all that they have done for me. I think about the hard work, the good days and the bad days, the impact I can make, or want to make. The people I love. The future inspires me.

Finally, I am incredibly inspired to be healthy by my faith - and what God has done for me - and what He might do through me.

Some days I like so many other wake up with a cloud - that eventually fades.
And during that time I need Inspiration

These people and things INSPIRE me to stand.

What inspires you?

Friday, August 10, 2012

Am I doing "It"?

Just be YOU.

For years - I thought I was doing just what I was supposed to be doing. I thought I was doing just what everyone wanted me to.

I faked it. No - I faked EVERYTHING.

Real emotion hidden - smile on my face - get the job done.

And guess what? It worked - until it almost killed me.

People saw: a hard worker, an achiever, a good student, a talented dancer, a good friend, a well adjusted individual. Yet I felt more out of control than I could ever describe.

Those were the days I was sitting in my seat, scared to stand up and ask for help. Those were the days I was afraid to tell someone what I really felt or thought because of how they might view me. Those were the days I forgot what feelings actually felt like. I was held captive by fear, shame, guilt, depression and anxiety.

Then I started doing "It".

Life.

The most uncomfortable, painful, annoying, frustrating, hard, and BEAUTIFUL thing I've ever had to learn (and am still learning) to do. People know how I feel - which is scary yet more gratifying than any behavior I've ever had. I feel more rested after a release of true emotion than I knew during the years of  faking "it".  Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I scream. Sometimes I talk. Sometimes I am Silent.

I am doing "It". -- I am standing up and sharing, asking for help. I am saying "This is me - and that is okay." I am experiencing emotions - being human, and watching the emotions come and go as I change and grow.

I was faking it. Now, I am being real.

Stand up for being real.