| Recovery & The Gym | This evening after work I met Eric at the gym for a GRIT strength training class. I was nervous. I did the cardio versions of this class a few weeks ago and it was TOUGH. This evening I definitely wanted to be there, however, I felt my anxiety increase 5 minutes into the class as my inner critic grew LOUD. •• Inner Critic: you are going to slow, gosh you’re so pitiful. Everyone in here thinks you’re weak... •• It didn’t take but a five minutes for myself to begin sliding down the slippery slopes of judgement and shame - and it was PAINFUL. After our class finished the workout I nearly sprinted to the door leaving Eric behind. My skin felt tight and my critic was still going at it. Eric noticed almost immediately that “something was off” while another part of me desperately wanted to shut down and hide, but we sat and chatted for a few moments anyway - about work, and things coming up later this week. It wasn’t until later this evening did I reflect on how much of my identity felt wrapped up in my performance at the gym this evening. It only took me five minutes from feeling good to being filled with self disgust. What’s up with that?? I began thinking about how much my body and performance as a dancer used to truly define me and give (and take) my sense of value and worth to & from me. Those parts that still held on to those beliefs resurfaced in my class this morning as though they had never subsided at all.. I’m going to go back to GRIT, because my eating disorder NOT going to control me anymore. I’m going to go again, not only with the physical challenge of the class but with a determination to work through my inner critic shouting in my ear and focus on each present (and exhausting) moment. Healthy exercise is a goal I have, because my body was created to MOVE through this world, and rather than avoiding the uncomfortable parts that showed up tonight- I’m going to get to know them, so even if they are there - I’m less affected by them. #Recovery #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #workout #health

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