Monday, July 30, 2012

Sit or Stand?

You will hear my story at Where I Stand. But today I'm going to tell you where this event came from.

When I got out of inpatient/residential treatment last summer I was not ready (or at least I didn't think I was). I felt riddled by my disordered behaviors and thoughts, and I just wanted it all to go away.

Well - it didn't all go away - in fact it got worse, much worse, before it got better.

During the days of wanting nothing other than to disappear I clung hardest to the things my biggest supporters said to me. I held on tight to conversations with my fellow travelers (those I've met in treatment fighting this disease along side of me) - and I kept existing.

It got to a point though, that existing was not enough - and that I had a decision to make.

I had to make a decision to live (by fighting everything disordered inside of me) OR to die (by allowing my eating disorder to consume then take my life).

I chose to live and continually choose to live today.

And while I daily fight to make decisions of health - I am standing, for myself, my friends in treatment, for people who struggle or will struggle or could struggle all around me.

To stay standing I hold on to what one treatment provider said to me as I broke down in her office "You are a Beautiful Person." Which is something I now believe about myself and others.

To stay standing I remember my sisters from treatment at Remuda Ranch as we would fight, meal by meal, emotion by emotion - fighting through each day - seeking just a bit more health.

To stay standing I think of my friends & my family - the people that have held me up for so many years, until finally I was able to stand by my own strength.

Choosing to Stand was incredibly difficult at first - but now, I don't think I could sit down.

I'm not perfect. My recovery certainly is not either. 

But when I'm tempted, struggling, feeling extra low and wanting to give up.

A little voice pops up and says: "Sit or Stand?" 

I think I'll Stand. 

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