Recovery sometimes makes complete sense. It has never been easy - but I've always understood what I needed to do (it's usually been spelled out for me by treatment providers). For example - I've had to take my medication as prescribed, eat when told, and not engage in eating disordered behaviors. I've had to go to appointments (lots of them) and talk.... talk.... and talk. Sometimes, I would be poked and prodded by doctors.... It was hard - the hardest - but I understood it.
I'm confused now.
Anyone who knows me knows I like efficiency - I like control - I like accomplishments. I used those personality characteristics to enhance my recovery process, through charts and lists, goals and measurements of progress.
There are no charts and lists for relationships. Relationships are not about efficiency and mastering things. It's not about improving....... I guess it's not supposed to be about control at all.
I'm not sure how to do it then. I want to learn, and at the same time I'm scared - it's kinda like knowing you've come so far and you cannot go back now. I want to allow people to know me, and know others without feeling threatened.
To be honest - my method of relating to people has worked great for me.... up until now. Now, it's not enough. I want more.
I just have to figure out how.
Today I Stand for being known and knowing others. It's harder than it looks.